⇢ how we met

⇢ love

⇢ thoughts

⇢ trivia

⇢ us

im gonna put something here just u fuckin wait

prior to me playing YTTD, my friends had already brought up the topic of who my favorite among the cast would be. they all agreed amongst themselves that i'd probably like keiji a lot or kurumada (which i do, but this ain't about him). at the time i thought nothing of him from a photo alone, i had brushed him off cause "he's a blonde and i hate blondes" (i have bad run-ins with them, you see. i consider 99.9% of blondes i encounter to be devils). so, when i finally played it during spring break of 2025, i was shocked how quickly he had wormed his way into my heart.

now, perhaps i just have a newfound type, but in my very disturbed mind it almost feels a bit like i got divinely guided to finding keiji, to the point it actually scares me. it went from liking kyle from animal crossing in october of 2024 with the same clothes, attitude, and prevalent eyebags; to godot from ace attorney in december of 2024 who has a similar attitude and definitely a similar troubled history (would their mutual profession in law count?); to jun-ho from squid game in january of 2025 who i think acts like keiji prior to getting deeply traumatized and has the same profession, to keiji himself in march of 2025. my type prior to this were characters like roronoa zoro, leona kingscholar, or trent lane (who i still deeply love, please don't doubt that, especially for zoro.).

i don't know how to properly write down just how much i truly do adore keiji. i think about him during my waking hours so much it makes my heart ache. i'm serious when i say i spend several hours a day just thinking about him. i'm always thinking about him. whenever i'm doing something or planning something, my brain likes to wander and think if he would do these things too. would he order this type of food? would he go to these types of places? would he like this kind of song or film or game? would he be interested in this sort of thing? i find myself getting reminded of him by quite literally everything... it almost irritates me to a point. i annoy MYSELF just constantly thinking and talking about him, i can't imagine how it is for others who entertain me. ^,^"

he is the first thought to greet me upon waking up, and he is the last one to kiss me goodnight. i worry that if he were real that maybe he would be dissatisfied with me, but deep down i get the notion that wouldn't be the case. i like to think that if our roles were swapped, he'd be just as enamored with me as i am with him. i like to think that he is just as accepting of my flaws as i am with his. knowing keiji, his hatred for himself manifests as a need to be useful to others (which i can understand for i am similar) which makes me think that no matter the setting or context, we'd both try to do better for the other. mental illnesses paired up with psychotic symptoms aren't easy, i would know, and i can imagine how that might make him feel like 'damaged goods'... but that pressure to hide that part of yourself would evaporate knowing you're with someone who's just like you, no?

i think under most circumstances, i'd like to be able to provide that sanctity. not in a "i can fix him way" (i can't lol) but as a general support. i don't doubt that keiji would want to return the favor, seeing how he tries Somewhat to be there for others in-game; namely gin, sara, maple, and reko kind of. i think he likes being there for others to lean on (that is if he likes you... lol).

after keiji came into my life, i think i can honestly say i've mellowed out more as a person. i've been tamer i feel like, and i think that reflects decently in my behavior and music taste. i've been keeping up with trying to remain stable, taking care of myself n stuff, and i used to listen to mainly a lot of gothy, loud, electronic, nightclub music (i still do) but as of this year i've been letting a lot more calmer music into my playlists and i don't mind it. while 2025 has definitely been a pretty crazy year, i think me as a whole has sort of cooled down and i do think keiji has some doing to that. it's mainly because i know he wouldn't want me to go through any prolonged, unnecessary suffering, so when bad moments arise i don't try to wallow in it, understand it more than i need to, or be burdened by unnecessary thoughts and feelings, i try to efficiently take care of it before letting it go which has been doing pretty well for my emotional state.